Before you leave LA, consider this
You're not alone when it comes to making friends in LA
Hi all, Daniel here. I head up the community at LAic and I want to share a guest post by my friend, Noelle. We met through mutual friends and quickly discovered our shared joy for bringing people together and creating community. She unpacks the nuances of finding friends and community in LA, a place notorious for being unable to find your tribe. Hope you enjoy!
My name is Noelle. I live in South Pasadena. I work in finance consulting.
Maybe this is enough information for you to get to know me. You may not be curious to know more because based on the three things I have mentioned, and maybe you have already formed an opinion about me.
But why not pause and consider what is it like to know someone and be known? I have been asking these questions myself — What does it mean to be known? To what extent does a person need to know about me? Am I being known by my community?
Whenever I am feeling low, the answer to the questions I posed above tend to be fairly negative. It’s not that I don’t put myself out there to make myself known. I love being around people, throwing events, and trying new activities.
But after attending and hosting all these social events, I still wonder - out of all these people I spent my time with, who truly knows my story? How can I be so exposed to the world yet feel so unseen at the same time?
These thoughts led me to a downward spiral, and I grew bitter. I told myself - investing in new friendships and community in LA is not worth it. I felt the strong urge to put down an ultimatum and essentially “break up” with LA.
LA, or any other big city, can be a lonely place to be. Sure, it feels nice to feel invisible on occasion and enjoy the freedom resulting from the anonymity, but after a period of time, the desire to be known starts creeping in.
I have complained that life in LA is so isolating, and I even blamed my friends and acquaintances for not making the effort to fully get to know me. I started looking into other cities or countries I can move to, not out of excitement for an adventure but out of spite for this city. The sense of anonymity is so strong, and I was convinced that even if I leave, no one would really notice.
I am not writing all of this to say “woe is me” and exude all the negative energy. What I am hoping is that if you live in LA and can resonate with these thoughts and feelings, before you break up with LA and blame the city as well as the people in it, maybe it is worth considering what you can do to work on your relationship with LA.
I have come to realize my struggle of not feeling known is largely due to me not opening up and waiting for others to ask me the “right” questions. I didn’t share about my life unless I was specifically asked. I was pretty good at talking about the weather like it is the most interesting topic in the world but had challenges being vulnerable with people and sharing about what was actually going on with my life.
As hard as it is, I know that opening up and sharing my story is the practice I needed to do in order to be known. To those who feel unknown in this city, I challenge you to do the same.
Physically attending events and trying new activities is the first step of building a relationship (and kudos to you for coming out and joining the LAic events!) but having intentional conversations and opening up is the next step that we need to take to make that relationship last. Although it may be hard to scale the walls down, I am sure the feeling of being known will make it worth it.
I am not a dating coach, but I want to say that your relationship with LA is worth fighting for. I also want to encourage you that there are people in this city who is interested in knowing more about you and you deserve to be known!
Here is a simple step you can take: the next time someone asks “how are you”, answer with more than just a mindless “fine, how about you?” and answer honestly. Also, I would love to hear y’all’s thoughts about what you just read or maybe to pass this along to someone who could benefit from this story!
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