tfw all your friends get into serious relationships (read until the end)
at least that's what I thought the problem was
I remember being at a wedding in April 2021, looking up, and thinking, “damn, all my friends are married”.
The realization that I was alone and left out dawned on me. I felt lonely, sad, and sorrowful. Confusion followed after because I didn’t know why the absence of a partner hit so deep. I felt like I had plenty of reasons to be happy. I had a job that paid me well, hobbies that filled my cup, and good health. In my mind there wasn’t a reason why I should feel any sort of sadness or sorrow.
Over the next few months I consciously stepped into a new category of life: the one where most of my life was established and good but I didn’t have someone to share it with.
For awhile this new category of life felt like I was on pause. Working, eating, playing - repeat. I still experienced joy and happiness. Tons of fun, actually. But deep inside I felt as if I wasn’t going anywhere. What was all of this fun and joy for? What was the point of having a nice salary and set of experiences if I didn’t have anyone to share it with?
That’s what I thought anyway.
After some time I found a new group of friends - and we all shared a set of interests and qualities: we were all single, had disposable income to spend on fun activities, and had some sort of side hustle. Life, to my surprise, went back to being good and fulfilling.
Then I realized something life changing.
Not being in a relationship is a giant distraction from the truth: that life is more about finding like-minded community than being in a serious relationship.
When I realized all my friends were married I wasn’t mourning not being in a relationship. I was mourning the loss of my friends and sense of community.
As my friends got married or entered serious relationships, they had less time for me. This meant fewer hangouts and less bandwidth to share life with me. Early on this felt traumatic. I was losing my support system, my mental health took a hit, and I felt alone.
The reality is people constantly shift into this category of life: your friends enter into serious relationships and you’re the odd one out. Being on the receiving ends of this can feel traumatic. Particularly if you are close with them.
One inclination is to go find someone to be with so you can fit in with your friends. This is not the answer. The antidote isn’t to scramble to also find someone to with.
The answer is to find community with people in a similar life stage, specifically a similar capacity to spend time with you, bandwidth to cultivate a friendship, and means to do fun activities together.
There a ton of people in this category of life - and it’s steadily growing. People are getting married later and more people are entering the workforce. This means more folks who have disposable income, are down to hang, and are single.
By no means am I saying to ditch your friends in serious relationships - they need you and you need them! And don’t close yourself off from people who may not share similar capacity or means to hang out - these relationships are important as well.
But the reality is that you need people who can pour into your life the same way you can pour into theirs.
Navigating changing communities can be difficult - and traumatic. You can help yourself by seeking out more friends who share your desire and capacity for friendship and experiences. Your soul and mental health will thank you.